November was Adoption Awareness Month.
To raise awareness,
adoption agencies, friends, and family take this opportunity to flood our
social media with good wishes and loving posts about the miracle of adoption.
And while adoption can be and is a beautiful thing, for some, it is
heartbreaking. While many celebrate this month, there are some who mourn during
this time.
We tend to hear about the beautiful side of adoption. But
what we often do not hear is that with every beautiful story, there is sometimes
an equally gut-wrenching, ugly story.
For every child adopted, somewhere, there is a great loss. Some adopted children
have lost their parents to death, drugs, the penal system, etc. Others have given their children in hopes of
doing what is best for them.
I speak from experience—I am a birth mother who gave away a
child with the intentions of doing what was best for her.
Thankfully, we have an open adoption, so I am still in
contact with… my daughter.
Even that sentence is hard to type because biologically she
is my daughter, but legally, physically, and emotionally… she is someone
else’s.
During November, I repeatedly heard about what great a thing
I did. How selfless and wonderful my
sacrifice was. I was thanked for my
choice. And while every person dolling
out these wonderful, encouraging words, wanted to lift me up and honor me…I couldn’t
help but cringe at every word. Thirteen long years later, my heart is still
broken for the child I “lost.”
There seems to be a perception that if you have an open
adoption then you must not have this great feeling of loss, and in contrast, if
you have a closed adoption, it is out of sight out of mind, right? To me, as a
birth mother, this is not the case. For me, I will always remember, and my heart
will always ache for my child.
For so long, I tried to convince myself that because this
was my choice I did not have the right to feel loss or pain. That I needed to be happy and be the strong
girl so many people say I am. Moreover,
that I shouldn’t show any pain because it might be hurtful for the adoptive
parents (whom I love, and am so grateful for!).
But this year, this year, the Lord is giving me a peace, a peace to mourn. Thirteen years later, I am finally able to
say I am hurting. That while it is
important to celebrate adoptions, it is also important to acknowledge those in
silent mourning.
If you are like me, if you are a birth parent, please know
that I am there with you.
It’s ok to mourn
while others celebrate.
It’s ok to cry.
It’s ok to feel pain
during this time and periodically.
And most importantly, our choice doesn’t define us.
For some while now, I have felt the need to tell this side
of the adoption story. At the same time,
I also feel the need to share it in a way that sheds light on the correlation
between adoption and the Gospel.
Galatians 4:4-5 says, “But when the fullness of time had
come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem
those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons.”
If you are a believer, then you are adopted into the family
of God! How amazing! But here is the truth: To be adopted into this amazing
family, our Savior, Jesus Christ, had to die.
His mother had to give Him up, His Abba Father had to give Him up.
In our own spiritual lives, there are many times where we
mourn the death of our Savior, while also rejoicing at His sacrifice and the
outcome of our eternal adoption and salvation. Overall, it represents the
tragically beautiful story of adoption.
For those of you who are not birth parents, please keep
these things in mind if you are speaking to a birth parent. Likewise, birth parents, please remember that
you are not alone. I recognize your own tragically beautiful story, and I mourn
with you.
Last month, while everyone was posting about the beauty of
adoption, I heard “Almost Lover” by Jasmine Thompson. I love this song. It is heartbreaking, and though she sings
about the loss of a love… For me, the words fit for the loss of my child. And for those few minutes, I allowed myself
to cry.
Today is a different day though.
Today the sun came out! As if the Lord is kissing my cheek, telling
me He loves me! And today I celebrate
with the rest of the world. Today, I love the life the Lord has given me, and I
have joy!!
Today I remember that no matter the side Jesus came to die
for my sins and was raised from the dead… And this, our adoption story, is the
most beautiful story of all.
 |
| Our entrustment ceremony, there is both joy and mourning in this picture. |
thank you for your wonderful post.. i am a birth mom too, and like you, the subject of adoption is a painful one. you never get over it. i don't think anybody but a fellow birth mom could understand the pain, as it is unlike no other. society says you gave your baby away... nevermind the fact that as a teen with no options or support you had no other choice. the business of adoption relies on us believing that by doing this selfless act, we are giving ourselves and our babies the best shot at life, and that somehow we are not the best thing for our babies. they never tell you that you don't go back to being your old self; how could you, you are forevermore missing the first piece of your heart that you ever gave to somebody else. and if you don't have the support of a strong, loving family to help put your broken spirit back together, you will more than likely go down a path to self destruction because of the guilt and shame. i've heard and seen a little of your adoption story from knowing your family, and sadly, it differs greatly from mine. i can't count the number of times i've looked at your parents and wished they had been mine. maybe i would feel differently and could see the beauty of adoption that is supposedly there.. sadly, all i know is the negative and hurtful side, the side of patiently waiting for the day 18 years down the road when you may one day be reunited and get the chance to know your child, and when that day finally comes you learn the child has resented you and dealt with rejection and depression their whole lives over the fact that you gave them up... i don't mean to sound so negative or bitter, but to me the word adoption doesn't bring about the rosy, smiling images that are plastered on every adoption agency ad. and i really want to thank you rachel for letting me know that i'm not alone in my feelings. and although our outcomes weren't exactly the same if you ever want a fellow birth mom to commiserate with, i'll be here for you.
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